Heavy Heart for my sweet best friend

In late February, exactly one day shy of Lily's one year anniversary of adoption, she yelped when we put her in the van.  That was a first.  She cried out when we were parked in a parking lot.  Immediately we made the decision to take her to the Vet hospital.

Claude carried her out of the van, but she insisted on walking inside. After an hour long exam, they couldn't find anything except maybe a pulled shoulder muscle.  That seemed plausible to us.

We were instructed to keep her quiet for 2-4 weeks.  That seemed reasonable when we brought her home.  She was lethargic and clingy, so I set up my laptop in the bedroom next to her and watched her get better.  Within just a couple of days she seemed almost normal.  Still abnormally clingy, she was her happy self and we kept her on the leash outside to keep her from chasing rabbits.

After ten days, she really seemed almost, but not quite, her usual self.  She seemed more tired and had a couple of boughts of coughing and lethargy.  Since we thought it could take up to four weeks for her to heal, it seemed expected that she would be so tired.

Thirteen days after her initial episode, I was out working in the yard.  I spent the afternoon whacking weeds and Lily spent the afternoon running down rabbits.  She came to me when I called her and she waited for me to rub her back before bounding off again.

Around 6:00, I was pounding in fencing, she came staggering over to me and plopped down.  I called for Claude and together we carried her inside.  She couldn't get comfortable and was having some trouble breathing. At first look, the symptoms were the same as when we went to the vet.

Soon the symptoms seemed a little worse, she was agitated and trying to pace but would fall over. This was accompanied by her gums getting bluish and her temperature decreasing.  I called Jen and she came over and helped me load Lily in the van. This was about 7:15 and by the time I drove two miles, Lily died. I felt her leave andd I now I have a whole in my heart for the world to see.

It's a week later and I'm still reeling, she was my companion and reason for getting out of bed every morning.  I have a loving husband anf fantastic daughters but they don't depend on me like my Lily.

I know grief, I've swam her rivers and oceans.  That doesn't help right now.  Everything is a reminder of her - every room in my house, my cars, my garden.  Can't watch television without an insipid commercial declaring "Doesn't your best friend deserve x brand."  Walking on the trail and on a hike, my usual solace proves similarly painful. I don't have enough focus to read for more than fifteen minutes. 

Trying to keep on track requires more energy than I can manage today.